The End of the Road

It’s the end of a 3 year journey with an abundance of ups and downs.

There is a silver lining to every story and this story has a few:

-I won’t ever again have to inject fertility medications into my stomach or ass cheek.

-I won’t ever have to take birth control unless I want to.

-I don’t have to get by blood drawn every other day.

-The hubs and I made it through what could have been a very difficult time completely unscathed.

-I realized what a solid support system we have in our friends and family.

Unfortunately we did not take as many pictures as I would have liked to this go around, but you can see Round 2 in a nutshell in the link below. Thank you for everyone’s support, well wishes and prayers.

Round 2 in a Nutshell

Total Wine Unsubscribe

Why must Total Wine send me emails reminding me that I’m in purgatory? It has become a battle of wills…I delete an email and they send me a new one. So far the trash bucket is where the emails happily stay.

Our retrieval was last Tuesday. They retrieved 18 eggs and 16 of those were mature. Considering we had 9 last time I feel like that was a success. Of the 16 that were injected with little swimmers 11 fertilized. My first reaction was definitely to be a little disappointed, but in reality when you are randomly picking swimmers the percentage is right on target. After waking up from anesthesia the hubs was kind enough to snap a picture that no one will ever see. Then the nurse tried to get me moving. I’m not sure why they don’t believe me when I say anesthesia makes me sick, but I’m thankful they sent me home with the kidney bucket.

For the next few days I felt surprisingly good considering.

On Friday we transferred 2 spectacular looking embryos. One was 12 cells grade A (we had an over achiever on our hands) and the other was 8 cells and graded B.

The term transferred seems so simple and really it is, but ladies imagine having a full bladder when you go in for a Pap smear. Now imagine they stick the alligator crank up the who who and proceed to stick a hose through your cervix…not painful but unbelievably freaking uncomfortable. Then if that isn’t bad enough-you’ve got the doctor, nurse, embryologist, and a random helper guy in the corner who looks like he just graduated high school staring at your lady bits with the crank and hose. Once you ewwww and awwww over the embryos you can’t see because they are microscopic then you wait some more till they check to make sure the catheter is clear…all the while you have a fake grin on your face while you clench your teeth because you have to pee so bad. I didn’t threaten to pee on the hand of my doctor this time, but the hubs refused to let me up until his timer (yes he actually timed 15 minutes) was done. He may have seen my head spin and eyes bulge when he thought he could make me sit there for 30 minutes. I’M NOT GOING TO PEE THEM OUT OF MY UTERUS! As we left the office the full effects of the Valium kicked in…man that shits potent! The hubs promptly took me home for my 2 days of bed rest.

I am not made for bed rest. I hate bed rest. Lord help us if I am ever put on bed rest for more than 2 days.

Now I’m 4 days after putting the little nuggets back in. There are optimistic days and not so optimistic days…yesterday being a not so optimistic day…yes I am that girl who had my husband call after hours because heartburn felt like a fucking heart attack and now I’m living off Zantac and benefiber. I plan on having an optimistic day tomorrow and staying busy as much as possible.

Blissfully Oblivious

Well I just completed my eighth day of shots without incident. Minus our first shot/bruise snafu-I’ve had no further bruising and limited bleeding. The hubs has done a spectacular job…even with the shot that “pops” every time it goes in! Man I hate that one! I feel better than I have in a long time. I have had no bloating and no symptoms for the most part. I’m wondering where these eggs are hiding.

I know I sound like a broken record but kicking my caffeine habit was the best decision ever!

Overall the week flew by and we have (hopefully) our final ultrasound with the penis wand today. (It’s a little worrisome when you get comfortable stripping off you clothes and spreading your legs wide while a doctor sticks a wand up your peach.) As of Thursday the doctor saw 28 follicles growing (follicles don’t mean eggs-but potential eggs). She feels confident they can get about 25 mature eggs in our retrieval which we hope will be Monday!

What does one do with 25 eggs…heck what does one do with 10 eggs?

The hubs and I signed our paperwork and appear to be in agreement…when we decide we are done having kids…the remainder will be donated. (If there are some). Per our doctor frozen embryos are a precious commodity. We should know! We’ve worked hard to get these! And besides, I think going through something like this you develop an empathy that can’t be ignored. But let’s be honest the embryos may not last through the unfreeze process, they may go to research…who knows but people deserve a chance.

Less Than Stellar

The last two days have been what I’d call less than stellar.

Overall our baseline ultrasound went well. We got the green light to go with 8 follicles on one side and 10 on the other. Everything after that sorta sucked.

Our doctor increased our menopur dosage (at least it’s the cheaper one). Then our IVF coordinator called with some not so welcomed news. My blood platelets had dropped below the level needed to perform the retrieval in the doctor’s office.

The low down:
Normal range would be like 150-379
My original test was 155
My new test was 104

What this means is if this does not come up I will have to be in the hospital for the retrieval. I see $$$ oozing out of my eyes, but since my levels have always varied and often been on the low side I am maintaining hope that they will be up by next Thursday when we test again.

Stimulation Day 1

I’m not quite sure where my fear of needles stems from, but unfortunately it’s pretty intense at times. Day 1 wasn’t pretty. I ugly cried and smacked the hubs hand away a few times. Once I finally got through shot one then shot two was a little easier.

Day 3 is over…

We just finished day three and I have one pretty nasty bruise but holding up fairly well. Other than my new bedtime of 7pm, I’m not feeling too bad.

I am fairing far worse with the lack of caffeine. I can confirm that caffeine withdrawal is not a myth! Man I’m craving a fix. But the caffeine nazis are watching me closely.

Our next appointment is Tuesday…until then I see a lot of empty boxes in my future!

Human Pin Cushion Round 2

The time has arrived.

I don’t know where 2014 went. But it came and went in the blink of an eye. Now it’s the second week of 2015 and my veggie drawer contains Follistim and progesterone, my spice cabinet is filled with Menopur and HCG and I have more needles than a junkie on a weekend bender.

I am not ready for this…

I had all these grandiose ideas that I would pack on a few pounds, start eating healthy, take my vitamins daily and maybe even throw in some acupuncture. It’s almost comical thinking about that now. Well it’s too late…I failed miserably at achieving even one of my goals. But holy hell, crack whores get pregnant right? That was slightly uncouth…but if you haven’t realized already-sophistication is not really my style.

But alas, that is not completely true, we did accomplish something. We DID sell our house and move into our new home (I use the term move loosely) before January. That accomplishment alone was a feat, but a feat that has been overwhelmingly positive. (Minus finding the dog in the turtle cage chewing on the poor little guys shell…but fear not the vet patched him up). We love the digs, the neighborhood, and the neighbors. B-ray started his new school and is adjusting well as always. That kid could make friends with a rock.

First Up on the Schedule:

I take my final birth control pill today (counter productive I know) and ultrasound on Wednesday. Then Friday is the dreaded day…Stimulation Day 1. Oh how I wish I could be sitting on a beach in Mexico…

A Few Fake Tears and a Whole Lot of Sympathy

Shanesha Taylor Can Suck It.

I am now as sick of hearing about this woman as I am psycho bitch Jodi Arias. Although, I have to sadly admit I watched the Lifetime movie…I know I know.

In case you are not sure who she is…Ms. Taylor was the down on her luck mother in Scottsdale who garnered a shit ton of sympathy ($100k worth) when her tear filled mugshot graced the news. Ms. Taylor was arrested for leaving her two children in the car (in Phoenix) while she was at a “job interview”.

Long story short, a whole bunch of people were conned by this low life and she was given a second and third chance. Instead of doing what the court ordered she splurged on designer clothes and studio time for baby daddy’s rap career. (The same baby daddy that was no where in site prior to receiving 100k in donations). Let me just say what we are all thinking…WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN??

Her lawyers have quit, outspoken supporters have washed their hands of her, and it is rumored that some donators want their money back.

I on the other hand wonder why we can’t just take her kids away and sterilize her? Harsh-maybe. But holy crap….how many kids have to die in cars before dumb shits stop leaving them in there??

I am far from perfect…I have even been distracted and got on the freeway instead of taking B-Ray to school on more than one occasion. That little shit can be super quiet when he wants to be. That being said, there is no way I would forget about him all together. Zero chance.

I’d like to have faith in the justice system, so for heavens sake…lock her up and throw away the key!

On a happier note.

We got an offer on our house which means the stars have aligned and we will be closing before our IVF in January! Thank God!!

Soul Searching

Although the hubs doesn’t know it, I have been debating a lot on writing about our next round of IVF. (Hence the extreme gap in blog posts) I really debated on talking about it at all to anyone outside of a select few individuals. Saying the process is tough is a HUGE understatement.

The thing about blogging is that everyone has an opinion, and whether they share it with you or not, they have more to critique when you put it all out on the table.  It’s hard to hear when people are speaking ill of you, especially when it is people who you would hope are supportive and encouraging. I decided however that I received much more positive reactions than negative…so I will keep on keeping on!

I followed up with our RE to make sure all was a go for January, and it is always encouraging to hear that your hormone levels are “exceptional”. Ahhhh I am blushing.  An added plus is that means they will start me out on a pretty low dose of medication since they wouldn’t want my ovaries exploding. That was a joke although now I am wondering if that could indeed happen. Despite low dosages, I apologize in advance for anyone and everyone who has to be in close proximity to me for the month of January (and February if it doesn’t work). I am doing my best to think positively because if a lady can have a hoohoo transplant and have a baby then it can work for me. Yeah that really did happen for those of you that may not know.  I’d also like to get B-ray off my back since he’s on a “I want a brother or sister” kick.  Listen kid, if you get a sibling, you better just hope it’s a boy because you seem unable to tell the difference between girl babies…or you really just think they are all named Abby. But, if it doesn’t work then I expect a alcohol fueled pity party thrown in my honor.

Other than that…work sucks less than it did a month ago, B-ray is an absolute freaking genius, and we are still holding out hope that the hubs gets a day shift in this lifetime!

 

 

I Think WordPress Hates Me

I drafted 2 different posts on 2 separate occasions…both of which got locked up in the swirling whirling save mode and never come to pass.

So alas-I have resorted to typing on my iPad.

Since I don’t know if this post will actually save and I don’t want to waste any of my oh so eventful evening, I will make this short and sweet.

We are moving up in the world…by world I mean house.
Postponement of baby making until January means hubs can keep man cave and I won’t have to share it with my office, a car will be paid off (big hallelujah for that one), and my eggs won’t have yet grown cobwebs (I hope).

I’m starting a new job (sort of) with a lot more room for advancement. By sort of I mean a lateral move to a new department.

Still feeling optimistic and what’s one more thing on my already overflowing plate?

You’re Talking Gibberish

It seems like forever since the hubs retrieval but he is now a walking/talking human again. We knew they were going to do the “test thaw” about a week after the retrieval so we impatiently waited for some news.

The doctors office called to give me my blood results. The only number I was able to get was that my AMH was 8 ng/ml. She said that was a good. Well I guess I am going to have to be ok with that. She said everything else was fine but the doctor would have to finish reviewing the other labs. She advised no news is good news. Bah!

Yesterday was CD3 (cycle day 3) and I knew that I needed to get an updated FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) test. I called the IVF coordinator to get an appointment for blood work. We played a game of phone tag but I got her on the phone and scheduled my appointment for 3. She rambled off some number (maybe volume??) then said that my husband’s sample had 14% motility. Again not a clue. But she said it was good-so again I guess I will have to be ok with that.

I told the coordinator we wanted to move our cycle to October (although we will see how I feel in a month). So now let the waiting begin…or continue…whatever.

If You Wait Till You Can Afford Them

Isn’t there some saying that if you wait until you can afford to have kids then you will never have them?

Well in our case it’s slightly different. First, we have to afford IVF and then we have to afford children. I am feeling like that saying is meant for me. I run the numbers over and over in a hundred different “what-if” scenarios, but it all comes down to the fact that we just have to take the plunge. But when?

We have officially saved up enough money with our FSA and savings to do IVF with meds, but where does that leave us? Well if I did it next month then it leaves us broke as a joke. If we wait till October we have a slight cushion of comfort. But what if we wait till January, then we have another $2,500.00 FSA available and even more stockpiled in savings (and a couple of bills paid off). Or I could wait until after March then we’d have even more saved and I’d have my 5 years at work with 100% pay for short term disability. AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

This is the ever-consuming crap that goes through my mind DAILY! The hubs and I are middle of the road middle class family for Arizona. We pay our bills, we have money in savings, but as I see the money build it is harder and harder to watch it go.

When do you decide to just go for it? When is enough enough? Do you ever really stop worrying about being able to afford a child? Am I a horrible person for being so consumed with having money in savings?